Ambivalence.

It felt strange yet real. For a moment, I succumbed in a deep twilight of what ifs and what not.

He’s there, walking by the shore beside me, laughing and giggling as if we are the best among the best of friends. He whispered something in my ears but words were undecipherable. It is as if he was holding a secret but would not want to tell anyone, not even me, in that case though reluctantly he is trying to atleast make me feel that something is going on.

“Are you still together?” I asked. He nod away which clearly means the opposite of what I am trying to imply. I should feel sorry for him because I can really feel his heavy heart but in my head, I knew I’m waiting for this to happen and I’m being upbeat–no I’m ecstatic.

I know I should not be this kind of friend who feels happy when a friend is down but I cannot contain myself that we are finally getting rid of it. I asked him the reason why it happened and he sarcastically said that there is someone else. Someone else he found or someone else it found? If he found someone else, someone far more suitable for him, I’m going to be fine with it. It’s not that the decision is mine to make. I was merely whispering thoughts to myself. I just wanted him to be happy–I mean, to be genuinely happy. Not the kind of happy because he gets all the materialistic things and desires of this world but that kind of happiness brought by real love. Someday, it’s all going to make sense.

The heart is hideous in nature. It keeps its desires and mumbles to itself. Sometimes, the decision it makes allow us to wonder about what ifs. There are things which should just be left hanging especially when it could just break someone–someone so dear and important to us.

I woke up. What a weird dream that is.

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Letting Go of the Old

It’s 2016. A brand new start for everyone who wish for a change or somehow, a break in their lives. It’s that bittersweet part of aiming to let go of whatever made us felt miserable and sorry during the past years and time to embrace what’s new and coming. But really, how easy or rather hard it is to let go of what we’ve been used to?

Honestly,we know we have a lot of things we should have let go since last year but find it difficult to do so. I mean, how do you simply forget especially if it’s something which made a total difference in your life (good or bad impact in life that is). But then, now is the time to move on, on whatever bad things that happened in the past few years. After all, we won’t be happy if we’d just let something bother us.

It’s time to give ourselves a chance. We’ve been busy doing a lot of things just like everyone else and sometimes forget that we need to slow down and take all the time savoring all the goodness we get. It’s that sentimental moment where we thought that, “Hey, easy and give yourself a break.” I  for myself, know that at this age I should be all up working on a career but I also realized that I don’t want to grow old working and working. At this young age, I know I should experience more of the world because I don’t know if I’m still going to enjoy them when I am much, much older. Go for an adventure, tick the bucket list and do what you think is impossible! Try to ask yourself, if it’s going to be your last day on Earth, what would you rather be doing but make sure that your mind is relaxed as you do this(I thought about sky or cliff diving but when I thought about it after a long day at work, I just thought about maybe cuddling or sleeping in the sofa with the Bi, hashtag, lover. LOL)

It’s time to give people a chance. If in case we were not able to show how much we care about certain people in our lives just because we’re busy, I think it’s just right to at least let them feel how we feel towards them and how grateful we are to have them. We do not know until when they are going to stay or keep up with us so I guess letting them know would help or at least keep them around.

It’s time to forgive. Forgive ourselves and the others. It may not be something you can do in a snap but if you give it a chance, little by little, it will eventually heal your heart. To be honest, I don’t know how to forgive a woman who tried flirting with my guy a few years back but hey, it’s been years and I am still trying to laugh it off. It’s not easy but I’m trying really, really hard and I guess I’m doing good. Just. Don’t. Let. Me. See. Her. Again. Period. LOL.

It’s time to be contented. Love what you have and what you are getting. It’s not about getting big or small surprises, or getting what you want. Everything that’s happening around you happens for a reason and whatever reason that is, it may be up for your own good so stick to whatever you got and be happy! There are times that I am being frustrated with my job as a nurse but whenever I see that small note I made when I haven’t tried the hospital job yet which says, “I’m going to be a staff nurse at _____ or _____ this 2015! #Believe” (okay, that sounds corny, but yeah), I realized that I’m actually getting what I want and I am just not contented. So to be fair to myself, I know I should embrace what I’m getting because at one point in my life, I wished for it.

Life is full of surprises and it goes on every year. I think it’s just fair to keep whatever good things we have gained on the previous years and let go of whatever brought misery but make sure we embrace the lessons we got because we deserved it. #NewLifeGoalsfor2016? Bring it on!

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That OR Nurse Wannabe That I Am

If you can dream it, you can do it.
Whatever you become depends on what you pursue.

19th November.The weather is sizzling and I woke up okay without the tantrums. I was quick to realize that I am suppose to attend an interview in Medical Center Taguig, a hospital being built a few blocks from my house. The thought of being in another job interview still don’t give me the chills just like it did when I got interviewed on my first job. I don’t know why. I’m supposed to tremble and feel nervous but it’s just not that. Probably because I am way too sleepy in the morning? Uhh, it’s just weird.

So the interview went on. The interviewer then started asking and in the middle of nowhere, he asked which area would I like to be assigned to and why.

And my head’s just blank.

I know I wanted to be an OR nurse. I am longing to become the queen of the theater. I mean, honestly, I don’t know if I would really fit in and if I’m going to love it forever but those few months of  training in the operating room is the best that I’ve had in my entire nursing school life I would say. But this time, it’s going to be real. No more grades and didactics. Just me and the job  which would be my bread and butter.

So I got confused and it seems that I am unsure about my answer on being an OR nurse. I know I should’ve prepared for it but I never expected that this question will put me on the spot.

The interview ended. I am a bit disappointed about myself for what happened. Right now, I am blaming the lack of nervousness I’ve had. I am that kind of person who flourish when I’m trembling.

I sat down on my bed staring blankly. I wish my answer didn’t really matter to the interviewer (of course it does matter, stupid). I then found myself grabbing a piece of pen and paper with the thoughts of writing down why I wanted to become an OR nurse so bad.

I suddenly thought of that serene OR environment, organized and well-kept, those handsome surgeons (lol kidding, but I meant that)… I then realized why I love being the theater. I know I love feeling the spirit of teamwork and in the OR, it is very prominent. Doctors, nurses, anesthesiologists and the rest of the healthcare team work hand in hand during an operation. I also come to think that if the doctors are the “King” of the theater, nurses are the “Queen.” People might think that nurses would only be concerned of the patient in the OR table and nothing else but the truth is. she also takes care of the surgeons and the rest of the OR team making sure that everyone is comfortable and equipped with whatever they need to perform a successful operation. Just like in a game of chess, the queen protects the king.

Moreover, I enjoy learning hands on. Being in the theater makes you one step closer to learning and actually seeing what you have only read and learned in most nursing and anatomy books. I can say that my OR experience is one of the most promising experience I’ve had in my entire nursing life. Of course, the eight hours of work standing beside the table is really exhausting but being part of a successful operation is just priceless. It’s like welcoming a new life out of the world.

So there it is, the next time he’d ask (and I hope I’ll get a better chance), I know I’ll never be lost. Ever. Again.

When the Universe Says No–Not Yet!

You both share the same gestures, hobbies, priorities and dreams alike.
You laugh together over the same jokes without the awkward feeling.
You both have mutual fondness of each other’s company, believes in each other’s words and stand by them together.
You talk about things together over and over and never get tired of them.
You can remember every little thing and detail about each other–what makes one happy, sad, angry and frustrated.
You genuinely have so many things in common that makes you the perfect fit, and yet,

You two can’t be together.

It’s funny how every single detail of things are perfect. Well, I’d say almost perfect–But sometimes, for some unknown reasons of the so-called damn universe, things just cannot go together, simply because they can’t be. Like oil and liquid separating from each other, magnets attracting opposite sides and much worst than that.
The language of the universe is a much difficult thing to decipher, probably more than calculus equations and all stuff in numbers.

The story goes.

They are both the smartest in class, shares the same principles even though at some point, they’re personalities are way, way different. He’s silent, humble and just the ideal good guy. She’s loud, a bully and a villain of the class. Yet again, despite of the differences, they get along together.
I can remember her telling me about this major exam in PE class and that she’s aiming to get the highest score but when she knew that he can’t answer one of the questions, even if he wasn’t asking for help, she gave out clues all the way to the answer.
They were the best of friends and they don’t even realize it, I’d say.
Years later, they got separated. I heard they were both doing good on different schools.
She told me that there are times she misses him and their good old times. I’m not sure about him though. As far as I know, he was so busy in school.
After quite some time, they’ve seen each other again on our reunion. But things were different and both of them have new lives to turn to. At that time, he admitted to all of us that way back then, he really likes her, he meant it in a different way. But then, he also concluded that it’s just way back then.
She never told us how she felt or if she feels the same way over him. I know she did, but she’s keeping it to herself. Maybe not even to herself. She’s already taken by someone else and I knew she really love the guy from what I’ve been told.
It’s been years since they finally get to see each other again. Once in a while, we are having this mini reunion and that’s the only time I hear from both of them. She was still committed. He’s not (in his entire life I believe). They were both happy and excited seeing each other, some would say it may be a way of the universe giving them a chance but still at this time they can’t be together.
Was he waiting for nobody but her? I don’t know. I can’t get a chance to ask. Wouldn’t she consider a chance for the two of them? I don’t know either.
What I do see though, is the universe giving them chance to see each other and miss each other for some reasons that my reasons or their reasons in that case, cannot explain.
They might think that the universe is saying no to them despite of being the perfect match. But  I’d say when people think, the universe says “No,” for me it’s probably “not yet.”